Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize