When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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