It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
