I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
