I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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