fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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