I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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