btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
