i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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