im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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