what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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