Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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