My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
