Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
