my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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