So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
