all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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