Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
