I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize