I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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