Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
