i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
