There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
