Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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