What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
