just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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