As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
