If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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