My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
