who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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