oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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