I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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