All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
