the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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