I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
