life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
