i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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