Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
