keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
