Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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