There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
