I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
