she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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