I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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