Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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