She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
