It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
