I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
