I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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