it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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