My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
