last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
