I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
