Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
