Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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