Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
