hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
