This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
