you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
