I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
