Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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