my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
