i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
