i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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