No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize