she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
3 2 1 whiskey
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
