Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
