Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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