All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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